I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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