So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
