it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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