My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
