Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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