somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
