Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
