my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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