drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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