Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
