please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
