walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
