Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize