What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
