To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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