I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
