Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
