Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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