I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
