The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
