I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
