I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dicks are not precious.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize