Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
