Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
