i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
