Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
