He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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