so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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