Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
