And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
