Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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