At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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