im drinking this country out of the recession.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
