i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
