I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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