took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
