and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
