Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize