I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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