I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
