you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
