you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize