Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
