Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
