You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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