I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
