I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
