Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
