I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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