my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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