I molested 6 butterflies tonight
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
FUCK WHALES
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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