I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
your like the ambassador to my penis.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
