getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
