I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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